Thursday, 5 December 2024

Interview with the vampire

 

“So this is what an empty nest feels like,” she thought.

Sam stared at her daughter’s room – it had never been so tidy. Years of threats, pleas, and bribes hadn’t worked. But now, looking at the neatly made bed, she thought she had never felt so devastated.

“I knew it was coming, but expectations and experiences are two entirely different things, aren’t they?”

She had done what had she needed to. Jack was in Seattle, and doing quite well for himself, though God only knew what he did. He had pitched in for Mary’s fees at university. 

She had raised good kids.

John and Mary. How much Mike had hated those names. He wanted to name their eldest Ethan. “He’s going to get mocked for the rest of his life. A bathroom? A hooker’s client? Think of what you’re doing, Sam!” he’d said.

“My dude, our name is Cox. If he gets shit for anything, it will be because of that, won't it, Mike Cox?”

That had shut him up.

Still, she had considered the name Frederick. Fred was a good name, she thought. Fred Rogers. Fred Astaire. Right Said Fred? Umm. No. There were good Freds and bad Freds. Good-Fred-Bad-Fred. She wondered if it was a tongue twister, like Good-Blood-Bad-Blood.

It had been the same with Mary. Mike had wanted to call her Abigail. She had exploded. “Do you want to call her a lady’s maid? Look it up. That’s what it means.”

She wondered if the battle over baby names had contributed to the divorce. Mary was five, Jack was ten. It was the day after Jack's birthday that Mike told her that he was leaving.

They had been married for eleven years.

She sighed. It had been a hard time, but it had been worth it. Mike had been generous with the child support, though neither of her kids were close to him, they still talked.

As she made to leave Mary’s room, she glanced in the mirror.

She stopped, shocked.

The woman looking back at her was old. Tired. “Saggy and shapeless. Anonymous”, she sighed. “Is this what I’ve become?”

Outside, the sun was setting, and clouds were gathering. The house was oppressive in its emptiness.

“I can’t stay in here. I need to clear my head,” she thought.

 There was a cool breeze, and that smell of impending rain.

She walked swiftly. The streets were deserted and she was in Walsh Park when the rain started.

“Yep. That’s all I need,” she said, as she hurried to shelter in a small summer house.

She stood there shivering as the rain poured down.

“You…are a lucky woman.”

The voice was deep and rich, the auditory equivalent of hot chocolate during a snowstorm. It had a slight English accent.

She turned, startled, and a little scared.

There was a man in the summerhouse as well. He was tall, slightly pale and very good looking. His black hair was combed neatly back, with a streak of grey at each temple. He had a neatly trimmed moustache and a goatee – something she normally abhorred, but it made him look distinguished.  Even in the half light, she could see that he was expensively and formally, dressed – his clothing wouldn’t have looked out of place a hundred years ago – that overcoat – greatcoat, really, looked expensive but well worn.

He didn’t look like a serial killer, but then who could tell.

Still, she couldn’t resist a snort.

“Hah. And why is that, may I ask?”

He smiled. “Well, you are here alone with a vampire, a sated and contented one, but a vampire nevertheless”.

She couldn’t help it. She threw her head back and laughed.

“My dude! Is there a cosplay convention going on?”

He seemed puzzled, then his face cleared. “Ah, costume play. No, I just like to dress appropriately,” he said.

“So there’s no danger of you putting the bite one me? Leaving me drained of all my blood?”

He seemed a little irritated.

“Don’t people learn basic physiology these days? The human body contains five litres of blood. Do you know what would happen to you if you drank five litres of water in one sitting? You would die. It’s the same for us. A good drink would probably be half a litre – what you could safely donate to a blood bank. If I wanted to kill someone, I would just rip their throats out.”

He paused and smiled again. This time she noticed his teeth where white and very sharp.

“And no, you’re in no danger. I’ve just fed, and I think I’ve fed off someone who was extremely…lapidated? So at the moment, I’m feeling unexpectedly serene.”

“Lapidated?”

He paused, looking puzzled.

“Is that not the right word? I was under the impression it was a slang word for cannabis intoxication”

“Wait, you’re telling me you fed off a stoner and now you’re stoned?” she laughed.

He threw his head back and laughed as well.

“It’s really hard to keep up with slang, you know. And I was taught to avoid it when I was a child, and old habits die hard.”

“And is all that stuff true? Holy water and crosses? Wooden stakes and beheading? Garlic and silver?”

He laughed again.

“Tell me, how many creatures you know would survive a beheading? Or a stake through the heart, wooden or otherwise? As for the crucifixes and holy water? That’s all Stoker’s guilt. He loved Irving, and was ashamed of it, and so he threw in the stuff about crucifixes and holy water.”

He went on.

“It’s all nonsense you know. A devout child of Israel can flash his Star of David for all he’s worth. Won’t affect me in the least. Though one of them drew blood with a menorah, once. Or imagine one of your – what are they called these days? Hedge fund managers? waving his portfolio at me. Irritating, but utterly harmless. And I must say I don’t particularly like the taste of them.”

“And as for the garlic,” he looked at her with an impish grin that changed the character of his face, “That was my idea, I’m afraid. I was having dinner with Stoker and Irving, and we had just finished a very fine baked haddock with garlic and herbs, and Stoker was going on about vampire folklore, so I made up that bit about vulnerability to garlic. Never thought the man would actually put it into his book – or that the book would sell so well. Still, it makes me chuckle.”

"So Stoker, I assume, is Bram Stoker? Who's Irving?"

"Was. Sir Henry Irving. Theatre impresario, Actor. Producer. A man of many talents, and Stoker's employer - and the love of his life." 

Despite its weirdness, Sam found herself enjoying the conversation.

“So, who did you drink from? Some young thing at the Sapphire Lounge?”

“Is that the name of the local night club? No, it was just a man I came across in this park earlier. He was dozing on the park bench and I was thirsty. Though I realize that dozing may not have been the appropriate verb now”

He smiled. He smiled a lot, Sam thought, and it didn’t look fake ... or predatory. She found herself smiling too.

“But, its like solid food. Sometimes you want steak and potatoes, sometimes you want to send out for Chinese. Sometimes you crave a good penne primavera, with lots of Parmesan. People are like that. Sometimes you want something young, tender. Sometimes you want something seasoned, mature. Good blood and Bad blood doesn't depend on age.”

He looked at her, appraisingly.

Sam felt a shiver. She wasn’t sure if it was fear. 

“Oh, don’t worry. I’m quite enjoying our conversation, especially since its so one-sided. And I’m so full that you aren’t in any danger even if you wanted to be.”

“You know, I’m not sure if I should feel relieved or insulted by that!” she said. “Unfortunately, I’m not surprised.”

He looked at her strangely. “Humans are strange. They’re both clay and the potter, the stone and the sculptor. And shaping yourself makes your blood richer, you know, instead of letting it get shaped. The end result is always better when you are the one doing the shaping.”

“Wait, are you giving me a motivational speech?”

He smiled. “I am, still, very … stoned?”

The rain had stopped.

“And this is where we must part. It was a pleasure meeting you …”

“Sam. Samantha Cox,” she said.

“Alexander Trevelyan. As I said, a pleasure. And now I need to find my coffin”

“Wait seriously, a coffin?”

“We are, after all, creatures of habit,” he said.

And then he was gone.

On her way back, Sam saw that the lights of the gym were on.

“Clay, eh?” 

She went inside.



It had been such a long time. She had worked out until every part of her body was sore. She was so tired that she almost fell asleep in the shower.

When she woke up, the morning light was streaming through the open window. She still ached all over, but she also felt curiously...content. There was a slight tingling in her neck. She felt two small punctures near her throat.

Sam sat up bolt upright. A small ivory card fell on the sheets.

On it, in neat copperplate writing were the words “Good blood!”.


Sunday, 16 May 2021

Quiz - PG Wodehouse

  1. In Greek mythology, Zeus transformed (or, in some versions, sent) an eagle to kidnap this shepherd from the slopes of Mount Ida to make him his cupbearer. Name him, and what is he doing in a Wodehouse quiz?

  2. This is an extract from “Performing Flea”.
    “I am re-reading ________. I never get tired of his stories. I can always let them cool off for a month or two and then come back to them. He is the only writer I know who opens up an entirely new world to me. What a mass of perfectly wonderful stuff he has done. (All this is probably wasted on you, as I don’t suppose you have read him, unless you were attracted to his stories by the fact that they used to be illustrated by S. H. Sime (Sidney Herbert Sime). He has exactly the same eerie imagination as Sime.”
    Fill in the blank (Or two blanks). 
  3. It’s common knowledge that Wodehouse modeled Psmith on Rupert D’Oyly Carte. But Psmith wasn’t the only one modeled on a real-life person. George Bevan, the hero of A Damsel in Distress was modeled on a very successful American friend of Wodehouse. Who was Bevan modeled after?
  4. Connect to Plum.

  5. One of Wodehouse’s more atypical school stories was a boy’s adventure tale, involving Indian politics, a stolen jewel, and schoolboy heroes. Called The Luck Stone, it was published in Chums magazine in 1908-9, and is similar in tone to Frank Richards’ Billy Bunter stories that appeared in the Magnet magazine, also popular at the time. What was the pseudonym Wodehouse used for the story?
  6. Wodehouse was always dismissive about magazine editors, but there was one editor he had the utmost respect for. He quoted “No writer was bigger than the ____. If one chose to leave, there were always others to succeed him. Nor could he give any less than his best for the Post , because _______ would not hesitate to turn down the work of the highest-paid writers if he thought it fell below standard. He read every contribution as though it were the first piece the writer had submitted.”  and wrote “That’s absolutely true. Mary Roberts Rinehart in her My Story says: “ I once saw him turn down some stories by Rudyard Kipling, with the brief comment ‘Not good enough’. The Boss was an autocrat, all right, but my God, what an editor to work for. He kept you up on your toes. I had twenty-one serials in the ____, but I never felt safe till I got the cable saying each had got over with _______. Fill in the blanks.
  7. OK. This is going to be impossible unless you’ve read one obscure Mulliner story, but I’m bunging it in because its one of my favourites. Connect the two images - the first is an image of Charlemagne’s sword, the other is the heartsease flower, also known by another name.




8.                              Stephen Raw and Annet Stirling were in the news in September 2019 for which Wodehouse related reason?

9.                                      Which recurring - and unpleasant - Wodehouse character made his first appearance in 1924, in Bill The Conqueror, and his final one in 1964’s Frozen Assets?

10.                               Bertie Wooster was the runner up in which of the Drones Club’s sporting events? A proper sport, and no, not golf.

 

Answers

  1. Ganymede. The club for valets and butlers is the Junior Ganymede
  2. Lord Dunsany
  3. George Gershwin
  4. Mary Deane, the author of Three Little Maids, was Wodehouse’s aunt, the “scourge of his existence” and model for Aunt Agatha
  5. Basil Windham
  6. George Horace Lorimer of the Saturday Evening Post
  7. Joyeuse (Charlemagne’s sword) and Love in Idleness (heartsease) were names given to rival mustaches in the Mulliner story Buried Treasure
  8. They designed and carved the memorial tablet for Plum in Westminster Abbey
  9. Percy Pilbeam
  10. Squash